Navigating The 10 Stages Of Grief

This list was sent to an Adult Learning Center by a widow saying " It has helped me and helped my family to understand me better since I lost my husband". It may be of help to other widowed persons and their families.

The work of grief must be pursued within the heart of the mourner and it cannot be hurried. It takes a great deal of time, usually a year or more. It may be the purest pain you have ever known. What is happening to you, is of all things, natural. That knowledge will not lessen your pain or minimize your grief but it may give you courage, when possible, give yourself up to it. That is the only way healing can begin.

1. SHOCK

Some never go through a prolonged stage of shock and are able to express their emotions immediately. Others will say " I feel numb " and no emotions or tears come. Sometimes, there is denial. Gradually, the bereaved become aware of what has happened and they are able to cry and show their emotions.

2. EMOTIONAL RELEASE

One begins to feel and to hurt. Many people begin at this point. It is good to cry in grief. If one does not express this emotion, it will be expressed in some other way -- on the physical or emotional level. Some people need to be induced to cry. This is particularly true of men, as our culture makes many men feel uneasy to cry.

3. PREOCCUPATION WITH THE DECEASED

The bereaved may try to think of other things but finds him/herself unable to shift his/her mind from thoughts about the deceased person. Quite often a widowed person continues to feel married a long period of time. This is normal.

4. SYMPTOMS OF SOME PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL DISTRESSES

These distresses may come in waves, some lasting for 20 minutes to a full hour. The most common physical distresses are:

a) sleeplessness

b) tightness in the throat

c) choking, with shortness of breath

d) a need to sigh

e) empty, hollow feeling in the stomach

f) lack of muscular power (e.g. " It's almost impossible to climb the stairs", " Everything I lift seems so heavy" )

g) digestive symptoms and poor appetities (e.g. " the food tastes like sand " )

Closely associated with the physical distresses may be certain emotional alterations, the most common are:

a) slight sense of unreality

b) feeling of emotional distance from people - that no one really cares or understands

c) sometimes people appear shadowy or very small

d) sometimes there are feelings of panic, thoughts of self destruction, or the desire to run away or " chuck it all "

These emotional disturbances may cause many to feel that they are approaching insanity, but these feelings are normal

5. HOSTILE REACTIONS

There is often a disconcerting loss of warmth in relationships and a tendency to respond with irritability and anger. These feelings are surprising and inexplicable to the bereaved. This often makes the bereaved feel they are going insane. Anger may be directed at the Doctor, Nurse, God, or the Minister (who is representative of God). Often too, there may be feelings of hurt or of hostility towards family members who do not, or for vaious reasons cannot provide the emotional support the bereaved person may have expected from them. Anger and hostility are normal.

6. GUILT

There is most always some sense of guilt in grief. The bereaved think of the many things they felt they could have or should have done, but did not do. They accuse themselves of negligence. Furthermore if a person was hostile toward the deceased, there will be guilt. The more hostility, the greater the guilt. It is important to note that no two people can live together without some sort of hurt being done. These hurts pop up in grief. Guilt is normal.

7. DEPRESSION

Many bereaved feel total despair, unbearable loneliness and hopelessness, nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings may be even more intense for those who live alone or who have little family. These feelings are normal.

8. WITHDRAWAL

The bereaved tend to withdraw from social relationships, and most likely their usual daily routines are disrupted. Life seems like a bad dream. This is normal.

9. THE BEREAVED BEGIN TO RE-ENTER RELATIONSHIPS

Time and ventilation of feelings will finally produce a better situation. All of a sudden, light shines through the gloom and the darkness of despair, and life comes into clearer focus. The person readjusts to his/her environment in which the deceased is missing, and forms new relationships.

10. RESOLUTION AND READJUSTMENT TO REALITY

This gradually comes but the scar is still there. There will come times when cycles of grief will hit the person and there will be emotional outbursts. But this is normal

To move through these 10 stages, it is necessary for the bereaved to express their tears, their angers, theri guilt and their despair. The biggest obstacle to moving through the process to the ninth and tenth stages is that many people try to avoid the intense pain that is involved in the process. Therefore it is important to ventilate all ones' feeling during grief. When you do begin to emerge on the other side, to take a dim interest in things outside of yourself, you will not be the same person. You might not believe it now but you will be better. By experiencing deep emotion, and accepting it, you will grow in warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.